To all of the guys I've loved before

This morning sitting on the porch with the cool breeze kissing my skin and the birds singing in the trees, I let myself fall deep into a meditation of my own making.

It felt so profound, so real.

I’m not sure what brought me to this visualization. But once it started to unfold in my minds eye I felt myself sense what needed to happen here.

I stood on a singular track platform, among the cast of every guy I’ve ever cared for deeply in one way or another. All except a few, who I decided weren’t allowed to stand in this sweet space and maybe one or two that I forgot (lol sorry!).

As I walked down the line I greeted each one directly. Realizing how much I cared so much for each of these guys who shared some small part of my bigger story. Addressing them I shared love or sentiments, well wishes for their families and their futures. I thanked them for being there and I left them with blessings of peace and love.

I pulled myself up onto the stairs, stopping there in my flowing lilac dress, and let one last thank you slip from my lips.

“I’m leaving now. This next journey is for me. But I will carry you with me in my heart and hope you’re doing well. I don’t know where I’m going or what awaits on the other side but I think it’s full of light, love, and lingering joy. Bye for now.”

I stepped through the door, this time portal. As the train pulled away I watched through the rectangular window that now separated us. Each said goodbye in their own way. A nod, a smile, a wave, a small salute. And I felt it deeply in my heart. A mutual understanding, shared love and well wishes. Not tethered but always carried. Shared moments that will continue to live in our subconsciousness when our memories fail us. A love that can’t be separated. Because all love is infinite, no matter what type of love it was.

Smiling, I turned and walked into the next compartment as the train picked up speed. There I was greeted by a beautiful room adorned in gold. Delicate and sweet intricate details surrounded me. The tables were covered in tier-trays of pastries, pots of tea, and gold framed chairs circled their perimeters. Ready for a party, or just the next era of my life.

Easing into a seat, I poured myself a cup of tea and took a deep steadying breath as I raised the mug to my lips and paused.

This space was made for me, this story is mine now.

And I’m ready.

as taylor said, ‘you know that my train could take you home, anywhere else is hollow. I’m begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans, yeah that’s my man.’

Saying goodbye to wrecked plans and instead sending love into the universe. This train is taking me to those places that feel full, that feel like home and I’m okay going it alone. I know when the right time comes there’ll be another train and a beautiful soul-affirming love standing on that platform by my side ready to board.

AD - I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re taking care of yourself and that you know love so deeply that it sets your soul on fire. Never lose your passion for life. You were a steady rock when I needed one. I’m glad I can still call you a friend. Thank you.

FJ - Thanks for the memories and fun times, even when we both were living through our own hard seasons of life. You embodied that frustrating Pisces energy that I could lean more into and I think we were better for that. I hope you and your family are well.

OC - You might be the one who got away. If I thought about having one of those. And yet you’ll probably be surprised to know your name made my list of faces I saw on that platform. When I see how your life panned out - I’m so incredibly happy for you and so very proud. I didn’t realize at the time just how much we cared about each other - and while neither of us tried to make our relationship more than it was, I can’t help but smile thinking how we always found each other in every crowded room. How moments with you stopped time. I wish you a lifetime of happiness.

MJ - We shared a deeply intuitive special connection. One that was stolen from us too soon. I hope wherever you are that you feel light and happy now. I wish we had more time but I can still feel you around me. I love you and will miss you always.

EJ - You are a huge pain in my butt but I’m grateful for that because who else is going to make my roll my eyes in laughter this much? I hope you find love that settles you. One that matches your persona and fills the room and spaces with shared wild ideas and enthusiasm.

SB - I wonder about you and how you’re doing. I love the memories we made that summer. Sometimes I wish you never got on the train at the end of the day. I don’t think it would change anything in the long run but it would’ve been fun to have more memories to look back on. Sorry I wasn’t ready, though I truly think everything happened the way it should have. I hope you’re so very happy.

BM - You never called! What was that about?! Our ‘how you met’ story was iconic. I know the feelings and chemistry were mutual. I hope you found your joy but also you can delete my number from your phone now — I don’t think after these years you’re gonna use it. (I know it’s still there because Marco Polo told me we should be friends) haha

LS - Our time was short lived and I’m sad we didn’t get a chance to have a deeper connection. I hope you’re able to heal your wounds. I hope you learn that you are worthy of love and support and that it’s safe to let someone else in. I hope you experience deep love again in this lifetime. Thank you for how profoundly you impacted me. I’m eternally sending you all the love in the world. Take care.

PS - Initials have been changed so don’t try and solve the puzzle — this is for me ;)