She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow that was everything.
From the Inbox: These are select letters I’ve sent to my email list — shared here as a slow-growing archive of thoughts, seasons, and transitions. If you would like to receive all future letters, join here.
Hello friend,
Today as I sat on the patio, the warm morning sun kissing my skin and the birds cheerily chirping in the trees it all sort of came flooding to me.
First I felt this incredible wave of emotion. I felt sad, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly why. I narrowed it down to a few things that had to do with feelings about this next era of my life, both in France and when I return – and still very much just wanting to settle into my own personal space again. And also, about a man. A man that I haven't mentioned much because in the grand scheme of things it's amounted to nothing more than a footnote in my story – but the catalyst this man has been in my life is anything but.
He will likely never know this but my brief but life-changing interactions with him have radically changed the course of my life. It sounds so dramatic to say that, but I absolutely mean this. It's been a reckoning of sorts in my world in the best way possible – but first it was the worst.
My interactions with him made me aware of some deep-seated traumas and triggers that I've been carrying for a while. Some since childhood, some since my last long relationship, and some that were fresh and new.
The triggers were not his fault, he was clear from the beginning but my little anxious self started to unravel about it anyways. It was the worst-perfect-storm.
After identifying what was going on, I've spent the past 2 months working tirelessly through these triggers and blocks in my life. Rewiring the way my brain sees these interactions, how I can handle them next time from a place of healing, coaching myself from a dark place, and learning to love myself deeply and profoundly through it all. I've never felt more in tune with myself and my inner child than I do now.
Nothing shakes your confidence and self-worth more than an intense crush that crashes out. And let's be honest, my confidence and self-worth were not doing stellar before him.
It's taken me the past several months to finally reach the clarity that I received this morning sitting on the deck with tears streaming down my face.
I pondered why I was crying. Why it was still bothering me so much. In true Capricorn/Virgo fashion, I decided I wanted these to be the last tears I cried about this. And that's when I realized that these tears were not just about a guy, they were in tandem a big releasing of those last pieces of my old-self I was holding onto.
In that moment I felt this sense of peace wash over me with the understanding that maybe, just maybe, I'm actually worthy of love exactly as I am right now. Even though I've been tirelessly trying to ‘be better.' (I know this is true at a fundamental level, believe it is true for everyone else, but I don't often FEEL that way).
The truth is that even in the darkest moments I still have a light within me that wants to shine. I actively push myself to do better despite hard shit. I take chances. I have fun. I'm the right amount of silly.
And that's when I knew that the question I should be asking myself is how do I become more of that. How do I have more fun? Because that's who I am at my core and I want to get back to her. That's the version of me that is magnetic and unbothered, happy to live this one wild and precious life.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, first I need to stop being ashamed of my fun and joy. Because for every time anyone has ever shirked away after I've been in a high vibe mood (silly, loud, good chaotic), I've taken it personally. Like I need to tone down and be a little less. I can hear my father's voice in my head telling me to calm down and be quiet when I've been ‘too excited’ about something. But at my core I'm just a silly girl who likes to have fun, who finds joy in dancing and singing, in the company of loved ones, who wants to shriek loudly when my friends tell me good news and who wants to say “hey I have this wild idea – let's do it!” and it's really just driving to the beach at 9pm to sit under the stars. THAT'S WHO I AM.
That's the little girl within me that's been silenced over the years, who's been told to be quiet, be a good girl and not ‘make a scene.’ It's made me someone who is overly serious, scared to be herself because what it it pushes people away? Or worse, what if people talk/think badly of me because of it?
But who the F made these rules in the first place?!?! My overbearing controlling father who responded to our unrestrained joy with a belt. No wonder I got quiet.
And that's when this next little epiphany fluttered to me like a butterfly landing softly. That guy I really liked didn't reject me. Because he never saw the real me. He saw the me that was fighting her demons in a dark place, desperately looking for someone or something to fasten her hope to, to be pulled out from the storm. Though of course, I tried to hide those parts, too.
So basically, he saw a shell of who I really am.
I didn't know that I was doing that so he surely couldn't have known it either.
Which means I can't even be upset that he didn't ‘pick me, choose me, love me.’ – and tbh, I'm not even sure what happened between us. There was no end point. It just kind of was over in this quiet (on his part) and tearful (on my part) way. But realizing that it wasn't ME he was engaging or dis-engaging with made me feel an immense sense of relief.
I can let myself off the hook for the ways I've determined I failed at being the person who would attract and keep a guy like him. Because I didn't do anything wrong. That season of life was just really freaking swirly and hard and I was doing the best I can, not even knowing what I was up against (RE: all my past life demons sprinkled with fresh new sadness about losing Nila and grieving the loss of the life I previously had) at the time.
And within this I not only felt peace but I felt the reassuring feeling that finding my way back to joy and light feels like the way to find myself again. To pick up the pieces and thank them for the mess they made so that I could heal and grow in the most aligned way possible.
The last piece that fell in to place for me was this idea that every single person on the internet (who are they even??) would say block, delete, move on. But that's just not who I am. This man did not do anything to intentionally hurt me. We're just two humans having a human experience. I genuinely wish him nothing but the best, and I'm sending him lots of love and light. The energy of blocking and deleting feels so toxic when the situation doesn't warrant it. That's when I realized, I don’t need to belike other girls. And that's also something really special about me. I know it's about protecting energy, but in this case, the way I protect MY energy is by simply letting it be. No definitions, no ultimatums. It can just fade into the grey.
Consequently, a small little reprieve I felt in this too is the overwhelming sense that there's nothing I need to do. I don't have to make it my job or responsibility to try and make this person see that I wasn't myself. It’s my propensity to pick up my torch and march into formation to fix perceptions. Not even for his sake, but mine. And call it growth, but I'm deciding now I'm perfectly content to just let this be. I don't need to make it a task I put on my list. It's okay if that's his takeaway. Sometimes in life it just be that way 😉 (really trying to have this be my go-to mentality, but this is A HUGE STEP for me! Feel free to clap for me lolll)
There's a new moon in Taurus this weekend with an heavy emphasis on self-worth. I can feel it. I can feel my confidence coming back, my little girl dancing in the corner, not needing to be understood – just needing to be herself. Turns out it was only adult Sheri that felt the need explain her wildness and be understood, and well, I'm going to let mini-me take the reigns on this one. We're just gonna let the people think what they will.
And friends I have to tell you, I feel like an entirely new person.
PS - I hope you never feel the need to dim your light or make yourself small and insignificant because someone made you feel like there was something wrong with those parts of you. But if you do, just know there's freedom on the other side for both of us and I'm sending you so much love, light, and happiness your way. You and I, friend, we deserve to be authentically ourselves because that's where our magic lives – and we deserve magic just as much as anyone else. 💞
PPS - The song that came to mind when I was pulling this email together was Taylor's ‘Clean’ – I've had a long history of this song being deeply meaningful to me, when I pulled up the lyrics, it came with a story about the song which just made me cry in this deeply beautiful way – the full circle of it all. It's beyond what I could have curated myself if I tried.
I created little graphics for the story of it, because it felt so on-point:
And because the circles are circling as I write this and I'm having a full emotional experience, I am going to leave you with Taylor introing this song in Sydney on the 1989 tour – because what she says brings this song, the meanings, and this email with these words and heart of mine full circle round and round and maybe no one will read this or care or think it's as wild as me, but I couldn't not share:
You can watch the video here (and I do recommend this route because there's something about the *way* she says it) but here's what she says:
“You know these days there are millions of ways for people to tell you how to be, how to act in public, what's cool, what's not, what's beautiful, what's not. And it's really easy to become completely preoccupied by the idea of trying to be cool. But you know what I think is better than being cool? Is being happy. And you seem really happy tonight, Sydney. You know, when somebody criticizes you or says something behind your back, those words that they said about you, it's like you feel like those words are written all over your face. All over you. And then those words start to become echoes in your own mind. And then there's a real risk that those words could become a part of how you see yourself. The moment that you realize that you are not the opinion of somebody that doesn't know you or care about you, that moment when you realize that, it's like you're clean.”
🌊🌊🌊
This email was sent to subscribers on May 7, 2025.
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