I was enchanted to meet you

Hi friend,

This started as a letter to my coveted corners list, but I’ve instead decided to share it here. 

It's funny, I've drafted a few letters to you, but for whatever reason I never hit send.

Then the messages started flooding in on the same day “hey, where are you?!” and “are you okay? You've been really quiet?” or “I haven't seen you post in a while, I wanted to check in” 

Truth is, I was going through something really intense – this new fresh wave of anxiety that rocked my world once again. It's maybe the 4th time this year that it's crept up, it'll sound woo woo to say but it's always around big astronomical events and the super full moon in Taurus seemed to have it out for me.

I thought I had met someone special, and then my anxiety took part in helping burn it to the ground. I wasn't the only one at fault, but I'm the only one accepting any of the blame. And that's not a great feeling.

I both: don't know what happened, and have my best guesses.

For a week I could barely function. It made me realize a lot about how everything I do relies on me to hold it up. It was a forced rest and mental break from work, my nutrition plan (I was still following it but my appetite was gone), and my workouts. I had to pause and care for myself the best I could – which was mostly just crying and letting the spiritual girlies on IG tell me I'm gonna be okay. But the guilt and shame I felt for needing the space made me feel even worse on top of everything.

He wasn't the reason for the anxiety. That had started a few days before and just snowballed. At this point I'm familiar with how this song and dance goes between me and the external forces. But still, I never see it coming and I'm not good at managing it once it's here.

I have since vowed two things to myself:

• NEVER AGAIN:

  • Am I chasing a man when he pulls away. This was the last time. I didn't even mean to chase this one. I really didn't want to. My nervous system just sort of took over any of my logical functioning. I just spiraled. Understandably, he decided not to respond ever again.

  • Am I letting this anxiety pummel me. For years I've known I need to lean more into meditation and doing the inner shadow work to heal these old wounds and traumas. But ya know how it goes, once things feel pretty good, you forget you needed to heal still. You stop doing the work. I've been repeating this cycle on and off all year. This time, I'm going ALL IN. I'm not giving up. And I will make it my entire personality before I let it ruin another good thing for me.

There's a lot that could be said about this time. And I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, but I have lived with enough of my demons over the years to know that everyone is in a different place in their own journeys and I can't pretend to know where someone else is at. While I want to be mad, I'm mostly just hurt. But I don't hold any animosity towards him. We're all just imperfect humans, figuring out this life thing for the first time (that we know of anyways!).

I wish it could have worked out. I would have loved to see if it became something more or to have just held the connection. I've never felt more at peace with someone in my life. My nervous system felt so secure and it really opened me up in a whole new way. The chemistry felt incredible. I just kept feeling this sense like this was rare, a pivotal moment in time. It felt like finding a unicorn in the forest after a long season of walking and only seeing squirrels. I was enchanted.

But I refuse to let this be another situationship that just wrecks me emotionally. I'm determined that this time it's different. It all has to be different.

So I'm shifting the focus back to me. Back to my intentions and my goals. The ones I wanted to honor when I was with him, because he made me want to be a better person. And the ones I want to honor for myself, because I know I can be a better person.

At the end of the day I know I'm not a bad person, I was just having a few bad days. But I'm ready to approach these unexpected flares of anxiety with more love, groundedness and a sense of peace that cannot be swayed.

So in addition to becoming the hottest best version of myself (hi! I've officially lost 22 lbs since coming back from London!!! and I'm just getting started!), I'm also going to become the most spiritually aligned person so I can step into the highest version of myself.

The wildddd part is – within all of this there's been a small whisper. Of future dreamscapes that scare the hell out of me because I am not equipped. It started maybe a year ago, this little idea. I don't feel like I'm the right person for something of this grandeur. But I am letting myself stay open to it, and seeing if it manifests into something more on the other side of this healing journey (although, we could argue, is there really ever another side??)

In other news they say when you're shifting timelines and leveling up, that things start to need replacing. In this season I'm scrambling to find clothes that don't look ridiculously big on me and all my favorite products I bought in Europe are running out at the same time. Coincidence? Or proof that this really is the transformation I feel like it is?

—

PS- Want to see something truly wild?

The first situationship I had that cracked me open this year, this was my post and take away.

But I hadn't seen it again until after I published this blog post about this recent guy.

Do you see the threads, too? The strings tying these themes together?

The irony of this happening between the Taurus New Moon and the Taurus Full Moon 6 months later is also a wild ride. And they both had Taurus placements? Yeah… the universe has jokes. LOL