death and rebirth

If this year had a theme, it would be death and rebirth.

holy. freaking. moly.

I feel like i’ve lived so many lives this year, different versions of me. Each one coming forward with old wounds needing to be healed, some new purpose or lesson to teach me.

It’s actually insane.

As I’m crawling out of another one I’m reflecting on how beautiful it’s been — though the death part never feels that way at the time.

Recently I met someone who rocked my world in so many ways. The greatest gift he gave me was helping me to discover how to tap into the playful fun side of me I’ve been trying to reach. For years I felt like play and fun were some secret keys to my best life, to feeling magnetic and shifting timelines. How I call in the next highest version of myself.

And I’ve come close on my own, but it’s never felt fully authentic. Not the way it did with this guy.

This man gave me space to be myself. I let myself feel comfortable in our connection, like it was a safe space I’d known for years. I trusted him completely and that helped me to open up and be more myself. He encouraged me to show up fully and I actually did, often forgetting that we were still getting to know each other. Walls I normally keep up were non existent. I’ve never felt so secure in a connection before. I didn’t even think it was possible for me to ever not just be anxious with someone I liked. It was different in the best possible way.

And in this I was able to truly see myself. The version of me I’ve been calling in. He was the catalyst to show me how to tap into her and be more like her. And I was happy.

Isn’t it sad that in all my relationships I’ve never shared this much open joy with someone before? But he got me here in 2 weeks? I’ve only ever been told to be less, quieter, more put together, more serious.

I’ll never forget my ex who loved that I love football, eventually saying he hated watching it with me because I would get “too passionate” as if it were a crime and not the thing he claimed he fell in love with me over. I was shushed during games, during sex, ignored in conversations, brushed over when I was upset.

This cycle has repeated. On and on. Through relationships and situationships. It’s always felt like a contraction. But with this guy it was an expansion.

He asked me to be louder. To be more, but not in a “you’re not enough” way. He wanted me to actually be myself. To push my edges and show me how much further I could go. I loved the push. Craved it even. It turned me on even more to see how far I could go, and I don’t just mean sexually. It was exhilarating.

I’m quite happy in my life, I’m confident in who I am, proud of the discipline I bring to my goals, and the way I’m bettering myself every day. But I never feel allowed to be fully myself. Always too rigid, too hard on myself, following the rules, trying to be enough to find a fleeting situationship to keep me company and yet always feeling more depleted than I started.

I didn’t grasp any of this at the time, why I felt so elated. But in hindsight I realize that I was able to finally see my true self, the version of me who gets to be free in a secure relationship. It was beautiful. Getting to be silly and playful while feeling seen and cared for without judgement… just free… I freaking loved her! She was the best version of me that I’ve been in a long time. Maybe ever.

I have years of journal entries pleading to the universe for me to find the kind of euphoria I felt in just 2 weeks with this guy. Desiring it so badly because I knew it was the missing piece to the part of me I felt I couldn’t tap into. I knew as soon as I could cross this threshold I’d be a different person. And I was.

The unbridled joy I felt was incredible. My friends just kept saying I was glowing. I felt magnetic. Like everything was buzzing with potential. My cheeks hurt from smiling.

Our short but sweet time has ended, but I still have so much love for this guy who was able to show me not only that it was possible to be “more” instead of less, but how alive I could feel when I am.

Now I have to live with knowing what that felt like but not having it anymore. That’s the part of me that I can’t reconcile. Back to the sea of guys that drain me, not letting me be myself. It makes things a lot freaking harder — it’s so much easier to tune out that part of me that wanted to be seen. To show up as a watered down version of myself, knowing at the end I’d be reduced even further anyways.

But now that I’ve reached this new level of enlightenment within myself, I’m not sure how I even show up on the apps at this point. I just don’t know that I can go back to meaningless shallow connections.

My goal is to try and figure out how I can give this to myself. And then protect the hell out of it. No idea how, yet. But I’m hoping I can keep the door ajar to this other happier version of me. Another death. Another rebirth.

And with this rebirth comes another timeline cleanse.

I’m not who I was even a month ago. It’s wild. I just keep dying and being reborn.

I’ve had a lot of situations this year. Only one other one was worth writing about. And this connection stands far above that one in so many ways. Yet even the ones not worth writing about have shifted something small in me.

This one though, this one is profound. I wish things didn’t self-destruct as they always seem to do because this is a man I would have been happy to delight in for as long as he’d let me. Our chemistry was amazing, we felt aligned in so many ways, everything just felt easy and carefree — like it was just supposed to be happening. It took me a good week to feel okay with the fact that it was over.

As it goes in these cycles, I know that I am not losing what we had. That still gets to live perfectly in my memory. And now I get to see what the universe does next. Each version of me has met a new guy that has opened something else up in me. I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to the one who is going to stay. Even on my bad days.

I know I deserve that.

That’s the funny thing too, in every other situation I’ve always left feeling like I did something wrong or I need to be better or hotter or nicer or funnier or quieter or or or or or or…. but this time I don’t feel any of those ways. I fought for the connection because it felt like magic and because I wanted to believe that we would be different. I accepted the blame in the places I think I could have done better or different. But I don’t think inherently there’s any fault in me that caused this change.

I’m truly content in who I am. I know my worth and that I’m a catch. Honestly, I’m out here just trying to provide the best user experience, I’m a joy! lol And every day I’m growing deeper in my wholeness, learning how to embody love and happiness, and I want to share that with someone who is open to receiving it. I value those who do the inner work, so I know someone is going to also see that in me and delight in it.

I’m sure I looked the part of a crazy person as I tried to tell this man how wild and rare it felt that we should meet. How transformative it felt. Especially given our very limited time together. Without really knowing me and how far I’ve come- not only in my whole life, but even the last 18 months, it’s hard to explain. But he just showed me in 2 weeks what I’ve spent my entire life yearning for. And now that I’ve tasted that sweetness? I can’t go back.

The bar was already incredibly high for the kinds of men I will entertain, and even more so for the ones I’d be willing to build a partnership with. But now? Psht. Catch me at the gym working out, or at home doing my meditations, shadow work and inner child healing. There’s no going back. I’m only getting closer and closer to my highest self and no one is going to pull me back down, even my own self.

And the guy who stays? Oh man, he’s in for a treat because I know I’m once in a lifetime today. Imagine 6 months from now? How much more love and admiration I’ll be able to pour into someone else? I am so excited for the opportunity to bring this new version of me to that timeline. No more being fumbled or left behind. Just deep connection that withstands the storms of life.

Maybe waiting to find your person til you’re in your 40s isn’t so bad after all.