death and rebirth

If this year had a theme, it would be death and rebirth.

holy. freaking. moly.

I feel like i’ve lived so many lives this year, different versions of me. Each one coming forward with old wounds needing to be healed, some new purpose or lesson to teach me.

It’s actually insane.

As I’m crawling out of another one, I’m reflecting on how beautiful it’s been — though the death part never feels that way at the time.

Recently I met someone who rocked my world in so many ways. The greatest gift he gave me was helping me to discover how to tap into the playful fun side of me I’ve been trying to reach. For years I felt like play and fun were some secret keys to my best life, to feeling magnetic and shifting timelines. How I call in the next highest version of myself.

And I’ve come close on my own, but it’s never felt fully authentic. Not the way it did with this guy.

This man gave me space to be myself. I let myself feel comfortable in our connection, like it was a safe space I’d known for years. I trusted him completely and that helped me to open up and be more myself. He encouraged me to show up fully and I actually did, often forgetting that we were still getting to know each other. Walls I normally keep up were non existent. I’ve never felt so secure in a connection. I didn’t even think it was possible for me to not be anxious with someone I liked. It was all so different.

Honestly, I’ve never felt this happy and relaxed with someone.

Isn’t it sad that in all my relationships I’ve never shared this much open joy with someone before? But he got me here in 2 weeks? I’ve only ever been told to be less, quieter, more put together, more serious.

I’ll never forget my ex who loved that I love football, eventually saying he hated watching it with me because I would get “too passionate” as if it were a crime and not the thing he claimed he fell in love with me over. I was shushed during games, during sex, ignored in conversations, brushed over when I was upset.

This cycle has repeated. On and on. Through relationships and situationships. It’s always felt like a contraction. But everything with this guy was an expansion.

He asked me to be louder. To be more, but not in a “you’re not enough” way. He wanted me to actually be myself. To push my edges and show me how much further I could go. I loved the push. Craved it even. It turned me on even more to see how far I could go, and I don’t just mean sexually. It was exhilarating.

I didn’t grasp any of this at the time, why I felt so elated. But in hindsight I realize that I was able to finally see my true self, the version of me who gets to be free in a secure relationship. It was beautiful. Getting to be silly and playful while feeling seen and cared for without judgement… just free… I freaking loved her!

She was the best version of me that I’ve been in a long time. Maybe ever.

I have years of journal entries pleading to the universe for me to find the kind of euphoria I felt in just a few weeks with this guy. Desiring it so badly because I could feel this part of me that I just couldn’t tap into. The essence of who I am buried under years of pain and conditioning. I knew as soon as I could cross this threshold I’d be a different person. And I was.

The unbridled joy I felt was incredible. My friends just kept saying I was glowing. I felt magnetic. Like everything was buzzing with potential. My cheeks hurt from smiling.

Our short but sweet time has ended, but I still have so much love for this guy who was able to show me not only that it was possible to be “more” instead of less, but how alive I could feel when I am.

Now I have to live with knowing what that felt like but not having it anymore. That’s the part of me that I can’t reconcile. Back to the sea of guys that drain me, not letting me be myself. It makes things a lot freaking harder — it’s so much easier to tune out that part of me that wanted to be seen. To show up as a watered down version of myself, knowing at the end I’d be reduced even further anyways.

My goal is to try and figure out how I can give this joy to myself. And then protect the hell out of it. No idea how, yet. And I know it won’t be remotely the same. But I’m hoping I can keep the door ajar to this other happier version of me. Another death. Another rebirth.

And with this rebirth comes another timeline cleanse.

I’m not who I was even a month ago. It’s wild. I just keep dying and being reborn.

I’ve had a few situations this year. Only one other one was worth writing about. And this connection stands far above that one in so many ways. Yet even the ones not worth writing about have shifted something small in me.

This one though, this one was profound. I wish things didn’t self-destruct as they always seem to do because this is a man I would have been happy to delight in for as long as he’d let me. I guess in a way, I did. Our chemistry was amazing, we felt aligned in so many ways, everything just felt easy and carefree — like it was just supposed to be happening. It took me a good week to feel okay with the fact that it was over.

I fought for the connection because it felt like magic and because I wanted to believe that we would be different. I accepted the blame in the places I think I could have done better or different. But I don’t think inherently there’s any fault in me that caused this change. Maybe I was too much, but I no longer see it as something I need to change about myself.

I’m sure I seemed crazy as I tried to tell this man how wild and rare it felt that we should meet. How transformative it felt for me. Especially given our very limited time together. Without him really knowing me and how far I’ve come- not only in my whole life, but even the last 18 months. I was in awe of him, but I was also in awe of what being with him was doing to me internally. I couldn’t even identify the feelings at the time. Tried finding words but all I could say was wow.

How do you explain years of conditioning being melted down by a single touch or a few words from a near stranger? Especially when you don’t understand it yourself? I was living through it but it felt like an out of body experience.

I still can’t even figure out how easily all of my armor fell away. What about this man made all the difference from the decades of relationships that moved me in the opposite direction. Some say when you die, you reach ‘the other side’ and put on a new skin, everything instantly feels lighter, easier. I guess I experienced that in my soul in some way?

I keep thinking about how open and vulnerable I was with this man, how I let him see all of me. The raw, unfiltered, sometimes feral parts of me. How I came undone and back together with him. The parts I normally hide. The parts I have previously felt shame about. But not this time. No wild idea of mine felt too wild. Pushing my edges and meeting me there. In all of it I didn’t feel a single ounce of fear, insecurity, or shame. I just felt so radically free.

Maybe it became too much too fast because of how addicted I was to feeling into this new version of myself. I was enamored with him for who he was and how he met me where I was. And he seemed equally enamored with me. It felt mutual and expansive, in so many ways.

As if all of this wild joy of finding myself wasn’t enough, he also gave me the gift of showing me that men like him exist. And now that he’s cracked me open and I’ve tasted that sweetness? I can’t go back. I feel addicted to the pursuit of finding someone who can meet where we left off. To see how much further I can be pushed, how much more I can strip off the stories the world put on me and reclaim the beautiful authentic version of me I was sent here to be.

The bar was already incredibly high for the kinds of guys I will entertain, and even more so for the ones I’d be willing to build a partnership with. But now? Psht. There’s no going back. I’m only getting closer and closer to my highest self and no one is going to pull me back down, even my past self.

Time will tell if I will find someone else I can share all of this with. I have to believe the universe wants us lover girls to be happy and find masculine men who want to go deeper in connection. I imagine if my life could feel that electric for two weeks, what a longer period of time might radically do to change the course of my life. What actually being chosen by a guy who opens me in this way might actually do to me. Oh my gosh. So good. And I know if there’s a guy out there who is ready for me, I’m going to have so much light and love to pour back into him too.

The beautiful disaster of meeting someone truly incredible, it kind of ruins everything with everyone else until you find someone who can reach that same level. And the further up you get, the harder it is to find people who can meet you there. But you know what? Knowing what I know now — even if it still had to end the same way, I’d still do it all over again.

So here’s to alchemizing my own magic in the meantime.

And absolutely never going back to that old version of me. <33