From the Inbox: These are select letters I’ve sent to my email list — shared here as a slow-growing archive of thoughts, seasons, and transitions. If you would like to receive all future letters, join here.

Hello friend,

Well, friends. I did it. I went to Cambridge – if you're following me on insta you probably already saw my stories about it. It was therapeutic and challenging in so many ways, but I did it and I'm proud of myself for showing up and doing the thing even when I didn't feel super up to it. I'll talk more about that trip later, because that's not what I want to share right now.

Right now what I want to talk about is the shift that has happened in the 24 hours since returning from Cambridge. I left that city/town crying my eyes out, feeling like I didn't actually want to move there, which meant back to the drawing board and back to navigating this empty void again. It felt like a gut punch. I really just wanted it to feel like a yes and it simply did not.

Driving home gave me lots of contemplative time in which I listened to a lot of romantic jazz and tried to romanticize a future for myself where it felt effervescent and light, happy and floaty. I mostly just cried, but the vibe was there and I knew I was onto something.

I came home and got to work researching new cities and towns near Boston that might feel like a better fit, I'm not convinced I need to give up this area completely, so I'm just peeling back the layers to see what else is out there that might be a good match for me. I found cute little towns that might work, that have access to Boston still, without the need to be in the city. It felt like the start of something.

At night I couldn't sleep so I journaled and thought a lot – and cried so much more. I finally understood why I've been so sad.

All of life this past year has been a stripping away of (most) things that I love. My apartment. My city. My friendships there. Nila. I came back to RI and lost my sense of freedom, independence, a space that is my own. And I've been sitting here spinning wondering how I can recover these pieces of myself that I lost.

Then the epiphany hit me. All of my past lives. Those were the versions of myself that I had to be out of survival. Every apartment I lived in, every time I had to move back home, every set back and pivot, all out of a basic need to survive.

I made the decision last night – or rather the realization – that this time it's going to be different. This time I get to build a life that's my own, from the ground up – that is built out of desire. That I GET to build, not out of necessity, but out of pure joy and love to get to do something for myself.

All those past versions of me were just trying to survive. And I let the past and things that happened to me be my motivation to accomplish those goals. Grew up in an abusive home? Get good grades and be the first in the family to graduate high school. Then go to college. Parents died while in college? Use it to graduate, get your own place. Take care of your sister. Every time I moved with a friend or moved back home those were out of a necessity to survive. Even moving to Portland, it was proving to myself that I could quit my secure corporate job and do something more with my life. And so I did.

It hit me this morning, I really think this is going to be the last time I have to move home. And I feel so good about that. I think from here on out my story is going to be so different.

Because I'm no longer creating from those old stories I used as my foundation to do things. Now I'm creating a life for myself that comes from a sense of self-worth. Of desire. Of knowing that I deserve good things and that I can achieve what I set my mind to.

And for the first time in weeks/months/a year – I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I woke up today still feeling a little sad, I think that's just grief over the life I'm saying goodbye to. That version of me that kept me safe and strong for all those years.

But now we're stepping into our soft girl feminine romantasy era. IDK. I just made that up, but those are the vibes. And I keep seeing swans everywhere. I've decided that is my symbol for the future and where I'm going. Nothing says soft, romance, feminine, girly, like swans. Except for the one time they gave Jess a black eye in Gilmore Girls, but lol, we can be girly and fierce at the same time.

I cannot wait to step into the doors of my new apartment. To lay down on the floor and take it all in and say ‘this is mine’ and look what I did.

It's going to be so good!

Ps - I hope lighter softer days have found both of us by the time this email sends – please reply and let me know how it's going in your world. Love you!

This email was sent to subscribers on April 2, 2025.

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Stepping into my soft girl feminine era 🦢💕