a quiet reflection of life lately
From the Inbox: These are select letters I’ve sent to my email list — shared here as a slow-growing archive of thoughts, seasons, and transitions. If you would like to receive all future letters, join here.
Hi friend,
What can I even say? It's mid-December and life has been life-ing lately. If I had a flow chart for the days it'd look something like this:
Not sure if you can even read all of that but the gist of it all is there's been a series of up and down events in my life. And these are only some of the major points.
I feel like I've been on this insane rollercoaster for months now. I truly don't know what's going to happen.
To make matters more interesting I know that I need to make a decision on what my next steps are – I can't stay at my parent's house much longer – but I genuinely don't know what to do.
Part of me dreamed up this insane plan to travel around the country, visit friends for as long as they would have me, I pay them a small stipend to exist in their space for 1-2 months and then I go to the next stop. In between I can check out trusted housesitters or airbnbs. Maybe it could work. I don't know.
The caveat and what's hard here is Nila. I don't want to put her health at jeopardy moving her all around. Sometimes she seems totally fine and then in the next moment I feel like I don't have much longer with her. It's breaking my heart. Plus to be away from the vet that's been treating her recently also feels like a risk. I feel very grateful for the care here, and it's only after coming here that I've realized just how much I don't like Nila's Portland vet anymore. But that's a story for a different day.
If I were to lose her I would feel so untethered. She's the one thing that keeps me stable and making smart decisions – without her I'm afraid I'd be a little more careless – maybe I just camp in my car, maybe I hop a plane to Europe with no return flight – I'm not sure but without her to care for, I'm willing to put myself in less stable situations. And no, if I lose Nila I am not getting another pet. At least not for a very very long time.
What I am pretty confident in these scenarios is that I cannot imagine right now getting another apartment or another lease. I'd still love nothing more than to know someone with a small little backyard home I could rent for cheap while I jetset around – but paying $2000 a month for rent / utilities / living expenses is just not something I can fathom doing right now. I'm just finally coming up for air after a year and a half that absolutely pummeled me and I can't imagine putting myself back in that situation. While I'd love the stability of having a home that is my own, that is a safe quiet space for me to relax and cook myself delicious meals again, I just don't see that happening at this moment. Maybe that will change, who really knows. I still keep my eye on the Portland rental market and while some prices have come down, not significantly enough for me to make a decision.
Everything feels so touch and go – but if there's one thing I've learned this past year, it's that I am a much better version of myself when I have the opportunity to last minute travel and to spend significant time with friends having shared experiences over delicious food and live music.
The last thing that's heavy on my mind is that I miss creating. I miss making vlogs – I don't know what it is about being in the state of Rhode Island that makes this so hard – it just is. And I hate that. I was on a nice little roll and did not expect to get so off track. Lately I've been wondering what's better anyways, YouTube vlogs or IG reels. I hate that these things get filmed in different ratios it'd be really nice to be able to use the same content for both. Not being able to do that feels like having to make a decision that I feel too overwhelmed to make right now.
If there's one thing I could say and make sure you hear me it's this: I'm so grateful for my community of friends and family who have supported me in the good and the hard. I am positive that without your encouragement, care, and help, especially this past year, that I would be in a not great place on my own. Thank you for being here for me. I love and adore each one of you so very much and I just want you to hear me say: thank you for everything.
This email was sent to subscribers on December 12, 2024.
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